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The Joke Thread

Rbreb13 said: "Heard a good one? Post it here."

Rbreb13 said: "A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm moving to New York," she says. "I've heard the prostitutes there get paid $400 a time for what I do free of charge for you." Later, on her way out, she sees her husband packing a suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming to New York as well," he says. "I want to see how you survive on $800 a year.""

JAP said: "Women are great housekeepers... When they get divorced, they keep the house."

j4wz said: "This is a long one... (When the man is talking try to imagine a thick Hispanic accent since I'm not vocally telling the joke) A man in Mexico is walking home from a bar. As he is walking, he trips and stumbles over an old lamp. Smoke pours out and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "You have awoken me from my slumber and now I will give you one wish." The man takes a minute to think what he really wants at the moment. He thinks to himself what he wants more; another shot of tequila or to pee. Finally he mutterers "man I would really like to piss tequila." "Done," the genie says. The man goes home and thinks about what just happened. Still drunk he decides to try piss in a glass and drink it. Wow, he thinks to himself, this is some good tequila. He gets hammered off his ass. His wife shows up after a hard day of work. As she is walking through the door she sees him pissing in glass. She asks her husband, "what the hell are you doing." He tells her the story of the genie in the lamp which has her intrigued. She says "let me have some." He grabs another glass, pisses in it and hands it to her. She tries it and says "wow that's some good tequila." They get hammered and call it a night. Next night the man comes home, pulls out two glasses and pees in both. The man and the wife both get drunk together. On the third night the man comes home, pisses in a glass and decides to get hammered before his wife comes home. The man's wife comes home from work but notices only one glass, which her husband is drinking. When she asks her husband where is her glass? He responds, "tonight baby, you are drinking straight from the bottle!" :laugh: :roll: :laugh: Ok I thought it was funny when I heard it."

bobjitsu said: "Whats black and blue and hates sex? The girl in my trunk."

Rbreb13 said: "A girl from Louisiana and a girl from the North were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Louisiana, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The girl from the North said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Louisiana sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?""

Rbreb13 said: "A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!""

j4wz said: "[QUOTE=Rbreb13]"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"[/QUOTE] That's a good one Rbreb13 :laugh:"

Rbreb13 said: "The ousted CEO of a company decided to help out the incoming CEO. "I've left two envelopes in the safe for you." Said the ousted CEO. "When you encounter a crisis you can't handle, open the first envelope. If you run into more trouble, open the second one." A few months later a crisis hit. The new CEO opened the safe and took out the envelope marked #1. Inside was a note that read "Blame me!" It worked like a charm. A few months later the company's stock plummeted. The CEO took out the second envelope. Inside was a note that said, "Prepare two envelopes!""

Rbreb13 said: "Classic Quotes from George Carlin When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?"

Mr. Gekko said: "What do turtles and blonds have in common? If either one of them are on their backs, they're screwed. :love031:"

Rbreb13 said: "The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?""